Time is moving on...and I am stuck still?

As time has passed I have been trying my hardest to overcome the hardest experience of my life. Now I must admit I was wallowing in my own guilt and pity for a long time. I played the victim and acted like it was everybody around me that was responsible for my pain. But in truth, my pain was all from me. I caused it. I continued it for months and I hurt many other people around me. People that I love and who I care about deeply. But now it is going to stop. Nobody can tell me what I am to do anymore. I will not allow myself to be that victim even if I was the one victimizing myself.

I have goals, I have a job that I love! I love who I work with and the cause that I work in favor of. I love my family. I love my boyfriend/ Husband (I call Frank my husband since we have been living together so long and have a son.)  I love Michael and how he inspires me to be what he deserves. I love his laugh, his smile, his baby talk and I even love his little baby snore.

At times it feels like everyone is moving on so fast in life and I am watching them all move on and be excited about the changes. I have felt like I am moving in s-l-o-w  m-o-t-i-o-n. But now I am starting to see my life in a new light. I have so much. I have Frankie who is the most hardworking generous guy I know. I have Michael who is so loving, so cute, and so much a part of me. They make my life worth living. They make my life brighter and happier every single day. They are my light, my life, and my song.

What if Cats Had Thumbs?

Reflections...How Time Changes Us.

So the time has come. On Monday morning I shall be back behind my desk at Canadian Blood Services. I find it hard to get my mind around the fact that 12 months have passed. This past year has been the most difficult, most amazing, heartfelt, troublesome, and tiring time of my life. I find it amazing to look back and see just how different my life truly has become. I used to be just Ashley. Now I am Ashley, mother to Michael. I have been living with Frank for almost a year. My son is going to be 11 months in a few short days. And I am completely happy. I love what my life is becoming. I love who I am becoming as well. I am finding joy in simpler things, like gardening. I love watching my son play and learn. He loves to sit on my lap as I read him my favorite stories from when I was a little girl. Last night I read The Berenstain Bears. I just love those books.
 But I am very excited to be heading back to work. I miss the ladies there. Karen, Charlotte, SHERIE, Jen, Sheena, Cindy, Belinda, Lindsey, ect. I miss the conversations. I miss the donors who come through regularly. I miss the gossip as well. I love being able to say that I work with the best women around. They are funny, smart, kind, generous, patient, and understanding. I love listening to their stories and what they find interesting. The vacations that they all take.

 I am going to miss those special moments that I will miss with Michael, but I have the rest of my life to have more special moments and to make memories with him. He needs to socialize. To learn to play with other kids. I do feel like I have been a failure in that aspect of his life. He has been so secluded and lonely with just me that when he is around children he stares like "what are they?"

I am so Thankful for Frank. He is a tremendous father and a great supporter. I love him and all he does for our family. He talks more about our future now. Marriage, another baby, buying a nice house with a large yard and a garage. We have been getting much closer and have been more tolerant of the others short comings. He has been a great supporter of my going back to work and has also been a great help to me when I am having bad days.

 The past month has been fabulous. I decided to go visit my doc about 5 weeks ago to be put on anti- depressants. I must say that I use to be paranoid, angry, frustrated, full of anxiety, and never happy. I never wanted anyone to be happy or to hear about the good things in life. I wanted everything to be miserable, I wanted everyone to be miserable with me. And I was starting to be very successful with it. But then as I looked at myself and what my life was becoming, I realized that my life was terrible because I was making it that way. And although I finally saw that, I still had no idea why I was thinking that way or how to make it stop. I used to have nights where my mind would race and race and I couldn't fall asleep. I would stress about tiny little things and cry over stupid little nothings. I thought the whole world hated me, that everyone was against me.  Then I visited my doctor. He made me try one drug for a week to see if the side affects bothered me and boy did they ever. I was neasous, I could hardly eat, and everynight I felt like puking. I lost weight which was nice but I would rather be fat then feel like that. Then he put me on ZOLOFT, and I must say, it is now my favorite thing ever. I have zero negative side affects. I have been feeling amazing. I never knew how miserable I truly was till I started feeling happy. And the happy just keeps getting better and better. I have only had 1 bad day in over a month. As opposed to 3 good days in a month and the rest were terrible. I am loving life.

 So for now I am keeping my chin up, and facing the road ahead with my son in my arms and Frankie by my side. I am ready for the life ahead. "Hit me with your best shot." So to the world I say, GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT BABY!

Deserving and Worthiness...for Happiness

 I got this from OPRAH's final episode. It is the truth. It is the light. It is inspiration.

"I learned from the guests on this show, no need to feel superior to anybody. Because whether it's heroin addiction or gambling addiction or shopping addiction or food addiction, work addiction, the root is all the same. The show has taught me there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things often don't feel worthy once they have them.

"There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness."

My Happiness Plan.

  As many women my age, I grew up with a mother who loved Oprah. So I learned many things by watching with my mother. She inspired me and I eventually started watching her on my own. Her last episode made me cry. She inspired me with her wisdom. I felt like she was talking to me.

  "We all believe we deserve to be happy. But not many of us think we are worthy of happiness. There is a difference. You ARE worthy of happiness. "

When she said those words I felt tingles down my spine. I felt like she was speaking to me. This past year has been incredibly difficult for me. Many ups and downs. Many nights of staying awake for all hours wondering "What if?"  I wondered onto Oprah's website the other night and found the article "Your Happiness Plan" 10 Ways to be Happier NOW!  I am going to challenge myself. I am going to apply all the things mentioned in this into my own life.

Step One begins today.

  5 Things Happy People Do.

1. They find their most Golden Self. 
2. They Design their lives to bring in Joy. 
3. They avoid "IF ONLY" fantasies. 
4. They put best friends first. 
5. They allow themselves to be Happy.  (You are worthy of Happiness.)

The Written Word is a Sacred and Powerful Thing.

When I was little my mother used to beg me to read. I would eventually pick up a book and start to read it but I never finished a book before getting rid of it. I thought that reading was boring and that it was for complete losers. It was for people who had zero imagination. That was until I was 13.
 When we moved to small town, nothing to do Magrath, Alberta. I didn't like the people, I didn't like the snobby non welcoming way the people ignored a new comer. I seriously hated the school and the teachers. I hated that the students were snobby and didn't like people that were different. It was like everyone had to fit into three different kinds of molds or else they were not welcome and were treated with disrespect. I used to wander the halls at lunch period and waste time. And it being such a small school with nothing to do, I found myself wandering into the library often. I would read the magazines in there or do word searches. Finally I thought to look at the books and read one.
 Now I can't remember the title of the book. But I remember the main character was named Gwen and she was a princess of a world that was beneath the fountain in Central Park. She escaped through the fountain and found herself in the normal human world. But she was also magical. She aged much slower. She met a man who also had escaped from the fountain and was now raising his great great great great grandchildren. They didn't know he was from another world, that he was magical and aged much slower then humans. Gwen explored the world, and learned many things, but also learned that when somebody discovered her secret they would go to great lengths to get control over her. So eventually she escaped back into her world, she left behind a friend and a boyfriend. She would often look back up through the fountain and see him looking down into it.
Now I was 13 when I read this and it peaked my interest. For the first time I had seen that reading gave me the opportunity to imagine things. To have dreams about something other then reality. Looking back the story line sounds retarted and weak but at the time, it gave me a different reality then the one I was living. I started reading all the time. I spent hours reading at home. I would read at lunch and during my free time at school. I read over 30 books in grade 8. It was opening my eyes to a new life. Over the next two years I discovered that I had particular taste in books. I liked reality and romance. Not the sexy steamy romance novels that are meant to create arousal but the story lines where someone would truly love someone. Like a mothers love for her daughter, a boyfriends genuine love for his girlfriend. A father daughter story. I also noticed that I loved reading particular writiers. Anita Stansfield, Nora Roberts, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Anne Bronte, James Clavell, Steinbeck, Jane Austen, John Grisham, Philippa Gregory, ect...
Now after all I have read, I have a new found love of books. The written word is not only a way for someone to escape into a fictional world, but it also gives a single person the ability to write their truth. They can tell their story. If it is about abuse, drugs, sex, work, school, parties, birthdays, being a parent, or just rambling on for the sake of it. The ability to express yourself to the world and connect with people on a personal level is strong and powerful. It gives those who feel invisible and like they have no purpose, a voice to say I AM HERE!
  So I treat all my books with respect and I make sure that they are organized and put away when I am not reading them. I love the written word and the ability it has to show me how much I have learned and how much I have grown.

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter. By study, by reading, by thinking, one may innocently divert and pleasantly entertain himself, as in all weathers, as in all fortunes.”
^{- Barrow}

“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”
^{- A C Grayling, Financial Times (in a review of A History of Reading by Alberto Manguel)}

“A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.”
^{- Edward P. Morgan}

To Oprah!

 This is for OPRAH! The woman who liberated women all over the world. Gave them a voice and proved that a woman is a very powerful thing to be. She encouraged children, women, and men who have endured abuse, to speak out and share their story. She has millions of dollars and she gives so much of it back to the people who need it most. She had a troubled childhood, a shaky beginning in her career and she showed that no matter what the odds, you can be somebody and you can do something that will impact those around you.
 From Dave Pelzer to Clayton Moss, she covered the most horrific cases of child abuse. She reunited families together after years of separation. She honored soldiers and their families. She educated girls who had no place to go and would in no other way have an education. She used her popularity and her money to put many pedophiles behind bars. She encouraged people to read and to give back to those around you.

Oprah's Big Give forever touched my heart and changed the lives of thousands of people.

I respect Oprah and what she has done for the world. She opened my eyes to many many things. She shared Dr. Oz with us. Who has taught me so much about health (mental and physical) and has encouraged me to take better care of myself. She gave us Dr. Phil who has great sayings such as "How's that workin for ya?" or "The way to predict future behavior is by past behavior." She has opened up her heart to the world and in many ways she has saved my life.
Oprah helped me with my parents divorce and when I was feeling alone. She taught me that no matter who it is, there is no right for someone to abuse another. She taught me that I need to dream. Dream big, dream small. Whatever it is I need to have a dream.

So this one is for Oprah. Thank you for saving the lives of so many and teaching the world so much.