So the time has come. On Monday morning I shall be back behind my desk at Canadian Blood Services. I find it hard to get my mind around the fact that 12 months have passed. This past year has been the most difficult, most amazing, heartfelt, troublesome, and tiring time of my life. I find it amazing to look back and see just how different my life truly has become. I used to be just Ashley. Now I am Ashley, mother to Michael. I have been living with Frank for almost a year. My son is going to be 11 months in a few short days. And I am completely happy. I love what my life is becoming. I love who I am becoming as well. I am finding joy in simpler things, like gardening. I love watching my son play and learn. He loves to sit on my lap as I read him my favorite stories from when I was a little girl. Last night I read The Berenstain Bears. I just love those books.
But I am very excited to be heading back to work. I miss the ladies there. Karen, Charlotte, SHERIE, Jen, Sheena, Cindy, Belinda, Lindsey, ect. I miss the conversations. I miss the donors who come through regularly. I miss the gossip as well. I love being able to say that I work with the best women around. They are funny, smart, kind, generous, patient, and understanding. I love listening to their stories and what they find interesting. The vacations that they all take.
I am going to miss those special moments that I will miss with Michael, but I have the rest of my life to have more special moments and to make memories with him. He needs to socialize. To learn to play with other kids. I do feel like I have been a failure in that aspect of his life. He has been so secluded and lonely with just me that when he is around children he stares like "what are they?"
I am so Thankful for Frank. He is a tremendous father and a great supporter. I love him and all he does for our family. He talks more about our future now. Marriage, another baby, buying a nice house with a large yard and a garage. We have been getting much closer and have been more tolerant of the others short comings. He has been a great supporter of my going back to work and has also been a great help to me when I am having bad days.
The past month has been fabulous. I decided to go visit my doc about 5 weeks ago to be put on anti- depressants. I must say that I use to be paranoid, angry, frustrated, full of anxiety, and never happy. I never wanted anyone to be happy or to hear about the good things in life. I wanted everything to be miserable, I wanted everyone to be miserable with me. And I was starting to be very successful with it. But then as I looked at myself and what my life was becoming, I realized that my life was terrible because I was making it that way. And although I finally saw that, I still had no idea why I was thinking that way or how to make it stop. I used to have nights where my mind would race and race and I couldn't fall asleep. I would stress about tiny little things and cry over stupid little nothings. I thought the whole world hated me, that everyone was against me. Then I visited my doctor. He made me try one drug for a week to see if the side affects bothered me and boy did they ever. I was neasous, I could hardly eat, and everynight I felt like puking. I lost weight which was nice but I would rather be fat then feel like that. Then he put me on ZOLOFT, and I must say, it is now my favorite thing ever. I have zero negative side affects. I have been feeling amazing. I never knew how miserable I truly was till I started feeling happy. And the happy just keeps getting better and better. I have only had 1 bad day in over a month. As opposed to 3 good days in a month and the rest were terrible. I am loving life.
So for now I am keeping my chin up, and facing the road ahead with my son in my arms and Frankie by my side. I am ready for the life ahead. "Hit me with your best shot." So to the world I say, GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT BABY!
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
"Sisters"...from heartache to happiness
A few days ago I got news about my dear sister and the sad situation that she finds herself in. It wasnt more then a year ago that I felt the pain and fear that she today is feeling. The relationships that I came to have and the love for two special women I met because of it.
I will not share my sisters story as it is still pretty new and I do not have her permission to share.
In February of 2010 I was introduced to two of the most influential, spiritual, amazing, brave, and compassionate women of my life. Dallas and Megan. The situation that brought us all together was not the prettiest and yet we found comfort in sharing our stories with eachother and knowing that all three of us could share something so precious, scary, tragic, and huge, together.
Dallas was so pretty. So young. She had so much ahead of her. I may be a few years older then her but in wisdom and bravery she is by far my elder. I remember thinking how she always made me feel so dumb. Not that she was trying. But a girl of 17 maybe 18 could sit in front of me and tell me her story of placing her son in the arms of his new mommy and barely have a break in her voice. She handled her adoption so well that I always did and still do find her to be a huge affect on my life. She is amazing. I remember when we told our stories to eachother. I was so shocked to find that regardless of the religious community we all live in and the way people gossip, she was still going to her regular high school and even attended her Graduation. Her braveness was so astonishing to me that I stood in awe of her. She carried this heavy burden and all the mistakes she had made in public and was not afraid of what others thought.
The day she came in after her son had been placed I was a mess. I was so afraid of the feelings it would bring up in me. I thought that she would be a mess as well. Yet when she walked into the room, she looked more like a woman, a mature woman with some wisdom and knowledge that I still had yet to learn. She approached the story with bravery and beauty. I felt a love for her that I had never felt for someone who wasn't my sister. She was so compassionate to my situation and her boyfriend offered to talk to Frankie about how the adoption was for him. I don't think I ever thanked her or him for the offer but I want to let her know how much that meant to me. Now today she is still an inspiration to me. She has moved on with her life but has not forgotten the past. I only hope that I can show this much courage and faith as a mother.
Megan was not much younger then me. Her story was one of courage. She had a situation that I had never dreamed of being in. I felt so much sadness when she told the story and yet so much amazement at how she was preparing to be a single mother. I appreciated all the things she would ask about in our class. She was so mature; so strong. I felt retarded next to her faith and willingness to work hard the rest of her life.
I left the class before her since Michael was born before her son, but not that long ago we had a play date. I was so happy to see how great she looked and how cute and funny her little Haven is. She updated me on what was going on and I have to say, again she amazed me at how great she is and at how far she is willing to go to do what is best for Haven and herself.
In my heart I will always love these two women and what they taught me. We may have met at the worst of times in our own lives but I will continue to love them as my sisters. I am looking forward to seeing the great futures they both have and the growth that will come from it.
So to Megan and Dallas. This is for you! Thank you both for being such inspiring and loving women. I am a better person today for having met you. I consider you both my sisters, since you both taught me so much about life and love.
I will not share my sisters story as it is still pretty new and I do not have her permission to share.
In February of 2010 I was introduced to two of the most influential, spiritual, amazing, brave, and compassionate women of my life. Dallas and Megan. The situation that brought us all together was not the prettiest and yet we found comfort in sharing our stories with eachother and knowing that all three of us could share something so precious, scary, tragic, and huge, together.
Dallas was so pretty. So young. She had so much ahead of her. I may be a few years older then her but in wisdom and bravery she is by far my elder. I remember thinking how she always made me feel so dumb. Not that she was trying. But a girl of 17 maybe 18 could sit in front of me and tell me her story of placing her son in the arms of his new mommy and barely have a break in her voice. She handled her adoption so well that I always did and still do find her to be a huge affect on my life. She is amazing. I remember when we told our stories to eachother. I was so shocked to find that regardless of the religious community we all live in and the way people gossip, she was still going to her regular high school and even attended her Graduation. Her braveness was so astonishing to me that I stood in awe of her. She carried this heavy burden and all the mistakes she had made in public and was not afraid of what others thought.
The day she came in after her son had been placed I was a mess. I was so afraid of the feelings it would bring up in me. I thought that she would be a mess as well. Yet when she walked into the room, she looked more like a woman, a mature woman with some wisdom and knowledge that I still had yet to learn. She approached the story with bravery and beauty. I felt a love for her that I had never felt for someone who wasn't my sister. She was so compassionate to my situation and her boyfriend offered to talk to Frankie about how the adoption was for him. I don't think I ever thanked her or him for the offer but I want to let her know how much that meant to me. Now today she is still an inspiration to me. She has moved on with her life but has not forgotten the past. I only hope that I can show this much courage and faith as a mother.
Megan was not much younger then me. Her story was one of courage. She had a situation that I had never dreamed of being in. I felt so much sadness when she told the story and yet so much amazement at how she was preparing to be a single mother. I appreciated all the things she would ask about in our class. She was so mature; so strong. I felt retarded next to her faith and willingness to work hard the rest of her life.
I left the class before her since Michael was born before her son, but not that long ago we had a play date. I was so happy to see how great she looked and how cute and funny her little Haven is. She updated me on what was going on and I have to say, again she amazed me at how great she is and at how far she is willing to go to do what is best for Haven and herself.
In my heart I will always love these two women and what they taught me. We may have met at the worst of times in our own lives but I will continue to love them as my sisters. I am looking forward to seeing the great futures they both have and the growth that will come from it.
So to Megan and Dallas. This is for you! Thank you both for being such inspiring and loving women. I am a better person today for having met you. I consider you both my sisters, since you both taught me so much about life and love.
"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
-- Author Unknown
Dallas Sloan
Megan Jolynn
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