Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Written Word is a Sacred and Powerful Thing.

When I was little my mother used to beg me to read. I would eventually pick up a book and start to read it but I never finished a book before getting rid of it. I thought that reading was boring and that it was for complete losers. It was for people who had zero imagination. That was until I was 13.
 When we moved to small town, nothing to do Magrath, Alberta. I didn't like the people, I didn't like the snobby non welcoming way the people ignored a new comer. I seriously hated the school and the teachers. I hated that the students were snobby and didn't like people that were different. It was like everyone had to fit into three different kinds of molds or else they were not welcome and were treated with disrespect. I used to wander the halls at lunch period and waste time. And it being such a small school with nothing to do, I found myself wandering into the library often. I would read the magazines in there or do word searches. Finally I thought to look at the books and read one.
 Now I can't remember the title of the book. But I remember the main character was named Gwen and she was a princess of a world that was beneath the fountain in Central Park. She escaped through the fountain and found herself in the normal human world. But she was also magical. She aged much slower. She met a man who also had escaped from the fountain and was now raising his great great great great grandchildren. They didn't know he was from another world, that he was magical and aged much slower then humans. Gwen explored the world, and learned many things, but also learned that when somebody discovered her secret they would go to great lengths to get control over her. So eventually she escaped back into her world, she left behind a friend and a boyfriend. She would often look back up through the fountain and see him looking down into it.
Now I was 13 when I read this and it peaked my interest. For the first time I had seen that reading gave me the opportunity to imagine things. To have dreams about something other then reality. Looking back the story line sounds retarted and weak but at the time, it gave me a different reality then the one I was living. I started reading all the time. I spent hours reading at home. I would read at lunch and during my free time at school. I read over 30 books in grade 8. It was opening my eyes to a new life. Over the next two years I discovered that I had particular taste in books. I liked reality and romance. Not the sexy steamy romance novels that are meant to create arousal but the story lines where someone would truly love someone. Like a mothers love for her daughter, a boyfriends genuine love for his girlfriend. A father daughter story. I also noticed that I loved reading particular writiers. Anita Stansfield, Nora Roberts, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Anne Bronte, James Clavell, Steinbeck, Jane Austen, John Grisham, Philippa Gregory, ect...
Now after all I have read, I have a new found love of books. The written word is not only a way for someone to escape into a fictional world, but it also gives a single person the ability to write their truth. They can tell their story. If it is about abuse, drugs, sex, work, school, parties, birthdays, being a parent, or just rambling on for the sake of it. The ability to express yourself to the world and connect with people on a personal level is strong and powerful. It gives those who feel invisible and like they have no purpose, a voice to say I AM HERE!
  So I treat all my books with respect and I make sure that they are organized and put away when I am not reading them. I love the written word and the ability it has to show me how much I have learned and how much I have grown.


“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter. By study, by reading, by thinking, one may innocently divert and pleasantly entertain himself, as in all weathers, as in all fortunes.”
- Barrow
“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”
- A C Grayling, Financial Times (in a review of A History of Reading by Alberto Manguel)
“A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.”
- Edward P. Morgan

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Life as Mommy...with Postpartum Depression.

 When Michael was born I was so sure that I was not going to be one of those people that would get Postpartum Depression (PPD) but soon enough the symptoms were clear as day. I became so embarrassed about it that I tried to hide it. Finally when I went to visit my mother she sat me down and said that she knew something was wrong. I started to bawl immediately and she just put her arm on my shoulders and let me cry. She talked to me about how I felt. And to be honest, I didn't know how I felt. I didn't like myself, what I had done, why I had done it and I just wanted things to end and for me to disappear. When we spoke about this I felt like for the first time in a LONG time somebody knew what I was saying. Frankie and I were struggling with out relationship, the adoption choice, and being new parents. Adding depression on top of that was incredibly difficult. He didn't know how I felt and what to do. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body and I had a baby to take care of. As much as I love Michael, all I wanted was for him to sleep all day and not need me so much. I felt like I was unable to take care of myself so how on earth could I take care of a helpless baby?
 
 When Michael was 9 months old, I said to myself, I need to get some help. I had been trying to ignore this problem for so long and my mental health was sliding down the drain. How was I to go back to work, be a mother and not fall apart? I went to my doctor in Raymond, Dr. Terry Smith. He has been my doctor for years and he knows my mother had depression as well as other members of my family. He listened to me and immediately put me on something. It feels good to know that finally I am on the path to recovery.

 At first my bad days were only once in a while, then they were more frequent. Then all of a sudden they were lasting 2 -3 days at a time and I was so incredibly angry that I actually threw something at Frank. I physically wanted to hurt him to make him feel how I felt. To feel the frustration and the anger, but mostly the pain, that I was living with every single day. Now my days are better, my moments are no longer days. I have a few bad hours here and there but mostly all I feel is improvement.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Let your light so shine...

When I was 16 I was very active in my church. I went to the LDS church in Southern Alberta. My mom was the Laurels leader, which was my class in Young Womens. Every week, with every lesson she wanted to give us something inspiring to take home and help us remember the point to the lesson. Now at the time we both were in love with the movie "Coach Carter." The inspiration to be the best that you can was very touching to us both. The next lesson that we were scheduled to have was called "Letting your light shine..."

In the movie, near the end when Coach Carter comes to clean out his office after the school said that basketball was more important then good grades, there is a part that makes me cry. Timo Cruz was a troubled player. He lived a harsh life and everyday Coach Carter asked him "What are you afraid of boy?" The entire movie he pushes Coach Carter away and finally at the end, he knows what he is afraid of.

He quotes someone very special. Someone who suffered for years in prison. Nelson Mandela.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."



This quote truly has touched my life, and it meant a great deal when my mother
handed the quote out in class. Reminding all the 16 and 17 year olds to not be afraid of who we truly are. Let your true self shine and no matter what others say, it will be the best thing. We need not fear others and what they say, for if we stand up for what we believe and think and who we are, then there would be no problem that we couldn't handle.

As a woman in 2011, it is truly hard to be true to yourself with all the pressure that there is. Makeup, working out, education, motherhood, friends, social activities, cooking... Everyday you are told that a real woman is this or that. How many of these woman are truly happy in their lives?

I encourage everyone, and especially all the young woman, to be true to the real you. Stand up for who you are. Don't let someone walk over your beliefs and tell you what to do. If you don't want to do something then don't. It is as simple as that. Just say NO!

Remember that out there is someone who will always appreciate the real you. They won't hate you for your mistakes, they will love you in spite of them.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

FIREWORK...!!!!

I truly feel that this song is about everyone. We all have something to offer and we all need to let it shine. This year I make this song my theme.


Firework lyrics
Songwriters: Dean, Esther; Eriksen, Mikkel; Hermansen, Tor Erik; Perry, Katy; Wilhelm, Sandy Julien;

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/katy-perry-lyrics/firework-lyrics.html ]
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon