Life as Mommy...with Postpartum Depression.

 When Michael was born I was so sure that I was not going to be one of those people that would get Postpartum Depression (PPD) but soon enough the symptoms were clear as day. I became so embarrassed about it that I tried to hide it. Finally when I went to visit my mother she sat me down and said that she knew something was wrong. I started to bawl immediately and she just put her arm on my shoulders and let me cry. She talked to me about how I felt. And to be honest, I didn't know how I felt. I didn't like myself, what I had done, why I had done it and I just wanted things to end and for me to disappear. When we spoke about this I felt like for the first time in a LONG time somebody knew what I was saying. Frankie and I were struggling with out relationship, the adoption choice, and being new parents. Adding depression on top of that was incredibly difficult. He didn't know how I felt and what to do. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body and I had a baby to take care of. As much as I love Michael, all I wanted was for him to sleep all day and not need me so much. I felt like I was unable to take care of myself so how on earth could I take care of a helpless baby?
 
 When Michael was 9 months old, I said to myself, I need to get some help. I had been trying to ignore this problem for so long and my mental health was sliding down the drain. How was I to go back to work, be a mother and not fall apart? I went to my doctor in Raymond, Dr. Terry Smith. He has been my doctor for years and he knows my mother had depression as well as other members of my family. He listened to me and immediately put me on something. It feels good to know that finally I am on the path to recovery.

 At first my bad days were only once in a while, then they were more frequent. Then all of a sudden they were lasting 2 -3 days at a time and I was so incredibly angry that I actually threw something at Frank. I physically wanted to hurt him to make him feel how I felt. To feel the frustration and the anger, but mostly the pain, that I was living with every single day. Now my days are better, my moments are no longer days. I have a few bad hours here and there but mostly all I feel is improvement.