Escape to Freedom

 I love being a mommy. I love being Michael's mother more then anything. I have been so blessed in so many ways. Yet still I found myself sinking into a deep hole. Depression runs in my family and I have always battled it, but after Michael was born I started sinking at an incredible rate. Some days I would cry for no reason, others I was so angry at everything that happened or was said. Nothing could soothe my frustration or anxiety. I put on a face for others so that they wouldn't see it but inside I was screaming.
 I spoke to my mother about this, since she suffered with depression for 25 years. She is better now and has learned how to handle her life in a way that she doesn't cause stress or anxiety. It felt like she could read my inner thoughts and she knew exactly what I was feeling. I felt like I was an open book to her, but to everyone else they just saw a cover. She spoke to me about ways to handle it and ways to help prevent the high anxiety that I was always feeling. Turns out I am my own worst enemy.
  I went to my doctor, after 9 months of avoiding him. I said I needed Happy Pills. He has known me since I was 12 and he is the doctor for 7 of my family members. He put me on a medication trial for 7 days. And so far I am hating this drug. It makes me very sickly feeling. Not enjoying it at all. So for the next few months I am guessing, I will be testing out different anti- depressants to see how they affect me and make me feel.