Today I finally convinced my boyfriend to watch a funny comedy about Pregnancy. But not a normal pregnancy movie. It is from the father-to-be perspective. It is called Nine Months. Hugh Grant and Juilianne Moore are awesome and the supporting roles put the cherry on top.
I have watched this movie for years and till now I didnt understand the humor in it. When the scene of giving birth arrives, I couldnt help but think about my experience and how deep it has affected me.
The moment a woman gives birth to her child, it is supposed to be a happy moment. The pain is gone and the beauty of the moment is so overwhelming. That is not the case for me. When Michael was stil in me, I felt like I was okay. But I always dreaded the day when I would give birth. I was supposed to let him go. To say goodbye...forever. I would not get to rock him to sleep, to hold him when he cried, to hold his little hands. I would miss out on everything that his life would bring. I was so affraid. I kept telling myself that I was going to go through with it. I didnt believe it though. Every opportunity I had I would try to convince myself that I would do it. I couldnt get it through my head. My heart still hasn't stopped bleeding from the pain I felt from those 6 long months.
When I was in labour,I was so affraid. I wasn't affraid of the pain. I was affraid of the letting go. I remember one moment. I was having a hard contraction and my morphine had worn off. I started to panic. I looked over to my mom and she held my hand thinking that the contraction was my worry. It wasnt. I knew that in moments Iwould begin to push and then my son, my precious baby boy, would be gone. I was so scared. When he was born I didnt feel relief. I felt sadness. The deepest sadness I had known.
I feel so sad that the joy I should have felt at that moment, was not there. I wish I could go back and relive it. Make myself love his birth. The moment I became mommy. I have heard my mother say she feels like she was robbed of a moment and my sister said she feels like she lost the opportunity to share in the joy of my pregnancy. No one has ever asked how I felt, how much it hurts to know that my pregnancy was not a joyful thing. I cant tell my son how happy I felt when he was born. I still feel the sadness and the pain. But I love my son and I wouldnt change him for anything. I only wish that I could have felt joy in his entrance to the world instead of fear and dread.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
New Beginnings
In order to progress we need to remember the past and reflect upon it, not forget it. In my life there have been many new beginnings, but I can't help but feel that this year it is a bigger and better change. It is more terrifying but at the same time I feel more like I am home.
I feel that I never had a complete family. My dad left when I was 8 but I don't have many memories of him being there before anyway. My mom was forced into the work force outside of the home due to the fact that she had 3 kids and a home to pay for on her own. She wo rked 6 jobs. And no I am not making that up. She and I counted them all and at one time she had 6 jobs. She worked so hard and I remember spending countless hours with her at a couple of them.
My sister was left to take care of the house and do lots of motherly things for me and my brother. She dated a guy who was a complete jerk to me and my brother. Then she dated Randy. Now Randy was different to Chanelle and he was so kind to me and Paul. How many boyfriends take their girlfriends little siblings with them to the lake? Out to dinner? Rent movies and bring them to the house for us all to watch together? Not many. I specifically remember one time when Randy brought his truck with some little GTsleds in the back and took us out to Lake Newell in winter. He tied the sleds to the back of his truck and then we would climb on them and he would pull us around the parking lot and camp ground area. It was so much fun. It truly took my mind off my parents divorce and my mom being gone so much. He also taught me how to go ice fishing.
My brother had lots of mixed feelings and lots of anger. I know that now but at the time I didnt understand. I was 4 years younger then Paul and 5 years younger then Chanelle. I was lonely and wanted to be like them. I wanted Chanelle to be my friend since she was my sister. I always wanted to be Chanelle. I admired Paul and thought he was "super cool."
But no matter what happened I always felt sad that I never had that ideal family. My dad was gone and I barely knew him. My mom was always working and my brother and sister were teenagers with their own lives. I was 8 years old and was being left behind.
I had always wanted my own family. I wanted to be able to wake up everyday and see the faces of the ones I love. Now that I have that it seems to good to be true. I see Frankie and Michael everyday and I can imagine a future. Although in the back of my head I feel this little pain that it could end anyday and that it might just all be a dream.
My goal for the new year is to be greatful of the things that I do have and not fear what I dont have and what could go wrong.
I feel that I never had a complete family. My dad left when I was 8 but I don't have many memories of him being there before anyway. My mom was forced into the work force outside of the home due to the fact that she had 3 kids and a home to pay for on her own. She wo rked 6 jobs. And no I am not making that up. She and I counted them all and at one time she had 6 jobs. She worked so hard and I remember spending countless hours with her at a couple of them.
My sister was left to take care of the house and do lots of motherly things for me and my brother. She dated a guy who was a complete jerk to me and my brother. Then she dated Randy. Now Randy was different to Chanelle and he was so kind to me and Paul. How many boyfriends take their girlfriends little siblings with them to the lake? Out to dinner? Rent movies and bring them to the house for us all to watch together? Not many. I specifically remember one time when Randy brought his truck with some little GTsleds in the back and took us out to Lake Newell in winter. He tied the sleds to the back of his truck and then we would climb on them and he would pull us around the parking lot and camp ground area. It was so much fun. It truly took my mind off my parents divorce and my mom being gone so much. He also taught me how to go ice fishing.
My brother had lots of mixed feelings and lots of anger. I know that now but at the time I didnt understand. I was 4 years younger then Paul and 5 years younger then Chanelle. I was lonely and wanted to be like them. I wanted Chanelle to be my friend since she was my sister. I always wanted to be Chanelle. I admired Paul and thought he was "super cool."
But no matter what happened I always felt sad that I never had that ideal family. My dad was gone and I barely knew him. My mom was always working and my brother and sister were teenagers with their own lives. I was 8 years old and was being left behind.
I had always wanted my own family. I wanted to be able to wake up everyday and see the faces of the ones I love. Now that I have that it seems to good to be true. I see Frankie and Michael everyday and I can imagine a future. Although in the back of my head I feel this little pain that it could end anyday and that it might just all be a dream.
My goal for the new year is to be greatful of the things that I do have and not fear what I dont have and what could go wrong.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Good things.
Good news keeps coming our way. Frankie bought a condo on the westside and we just got word that Feb 23 it will be finished and Feb 28 we move in. I cant wait. We will have granite counters, front loading washer and dryer, a fire place, stainless steel appliances. 3 bedrooms, and it is all ours. I am so excited. I can hardly wait to move. I wish we could move tomorrow.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Journey to Motherhood.
Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?" The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else.
My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so affraid of what would happen after.
You see when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things. But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself. I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.
Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it. Then that is when the bigger problems started.
I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it.
I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family.
You see my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start.
We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people where going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was to selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest thing, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family.
We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy.
As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him becuase she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved.
I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life.
My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long.
I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home.
For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption.
I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday.
I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future.
My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so affraid of what would happen after.
You see when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things. But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself. I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.
Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it. Then that is when the bigger problems started.
I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it.
I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family.
You see my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start.
We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people where going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was to selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest thing, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family.
We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy.
As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him becuase she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved.
I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life.
My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long.
I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home.
For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption.
I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday.
I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future.
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