Reflection

Today I finally convinced my boyfriend  to watch a funny comedy about Pregnancy. But not a normal pregnancy movie. It is from the father-to-be perspective. It is called Nine Months. Hugh Grant and Juilianne Moore are awesome and the supporting roles put the cherry on top.
 I have watched this movie for years and till now I didnt understand the humor in it. When the scene of giving birth arrives, I couldnt help but think about my experience and how deep it has affected me.

  The moment a woman gives birth to her child, it is supposed to be a happy moment. The pain is gone and the beauty of the moment is so overwhelming. That is not the case for me. When Michael was stil in me, I felt like I was okay. But I always dreaded the day when I would give birth. I was supposed to let him go. To say goodbye...forever. I would not get to rock him to sleep, to hold him when he cried, to hold his little hands. I would miss out on everything that his life would bring. I was so affraid. I kept telling myself that I was going to go through with it. I didnt believe it though. Every opportunity I had I would try to convince myself that I would do it. I couldnt get it through my head. My heart still hasn't stopped bleeding from the pain I felt from those 6 long months.
 When I was in labour,I was so affraid. I wasn't affraid of the pain. I was affraid of the letting go. I remember one moment. I was having a hard contraction and my morphine had worn off. I started to panic. I looked over to my mom and she held my hand thinking that the contraction was my worry. It wasnt. I knew that in moments Iwould begin to push and then my son, my precious baby boy, would be gone. I was so scared. When he was born I didnt feel relief. I felt sadness. The deepest sadness I had known.

 I feel so sad that the joy I should have felt at that moment, was not there. I wish I could go back and relive it. Make myself love his birth. The moment I became mommy. I have heard my mother say she feels like she was robbed of a moment and my sister said she feels like she lost the opportunity to share in the joy of my pregnancy. No one has ever asked how I felt, how much it hurts to know that my pregnancy was not a joyful thing. I cant tell my son how happy I felt when he was born. I still feel the sadness and the pain. But I love my son and I wouldnt change him for anything. I only wish that I could have felt joy in his entrance to the world instead of fear and dread.