Joy and Pain.

This past week was full of surprises for me. I got a message telling me that two of my cousins had their babies. One was 6 weeks early but was doing awesome. The other was an emergency C- Section. I learned that the cousin who had the C- Section was my cousin Cassie. She lives close to me here in Lethbridge and so I wanted to go see her.
  Going to the hospital was a difficult thing. The last time I was there I had been giving birth to my son. The memories flew back and hit me like a brick. They hit me hard and fast. It was even more difficult going to the Maternity floor. There I had wondered in the hall holding my son wondering what I was going to do. Would I take him home? What would happen in the next two days?  Would I be brave enough to go through with my choice? All the feelings got stirred up in me and it gave me the jitters.
  As I turned the last corner and saw my cousin sitting there with her little girl in her bed, I couldnt help but forget my feelings and just feel happy for her. My cousin had been struggling for a couple years trying to have a baby. Her and her husband had started filling out adoption papers when they learned that they were pregnant. When I found out that she was pregnant I was filled with complete joy for her. She wanted to be a mother so badly.  Also what made it even more surprising was that the couple I had picked to take my Baby Boy home, Mr. and Mrs. H,  there were really good friends with my cousin. I had not known that when I picked them.
 But here was my cousin. Sore and bruised from her C Section but happy and content to have her little girl here. I walked in and felt something that I never got to feel when I had been there. Joy! Utter and complete joy. I was a beautiful thing.
 We talked about somethings. caught up on what was happening and then said goodbye as it was getting close to baby feeding time. As we left I couldnt help but feel that something was different. This time I left I knew Michael was mine. I was happy holding him. We were a family walking out that hospital. Just as we left the maternity ward and were walking to the elevators I looked up. My heart stopped. I was living my nightmare.
There in front of me was the adoptive parents. They had their backs turned but I knew Mrs. H had seen me. She was encouraging her husband, who was carrying their new baby, the other direction and into the waiting room of the Delivery Suites. My heart sank. I have been so affraid of running into them for so long that I couldnt think. There they were. The people that I had grown so much in love with, the people who wanted my son and were told we were giving him to them. It hurt. Old feelings rushed back. I wanted to run upto them and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell them everything. How sorry I was. I never meant to hurt them. I never knew that it would turn out that way. They were the most amazing couple to me. I wanted to see them happy.
 For a couple days after I cried at the memories and how scared it made me to see them.