After I went home I was in shock. I was numb and was scared to feel what I knew I felt. I waited till Michael and Frank were asleep and then called my mom. She had gone to the hospital to see Cassie and had met Mr. and Mrs. H while she was there. She talked to them and told them how sorry she was for everything that happened. She told me that they all cried together but that they were not mad with me. They still had feelings of sadness and hurt but now they had their precious baby boy in their lives. I cried hearing this and I pray everynight that they are happy.
My mom told me that they are very happy. Since Mrs. H is good friends with my cousin Cassie, they were talking about stroller dates and such. If they had adopted Michael he would be almost 7 months older then Cassies little girl. But now their son is only 2 months older and they can share in many of the same things together. My mom said it was adorable watching them talk and plan things.
It has truly done my heart a great deal of good to face these feelings and I can only hope that someday in the future, I can walk up to Mrs. H and give her a hug and talk about what happened and how sorry I am. I feel that in order to fully get past this I need to face them.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Joy and Pain.
This past week was full of surprises for me. I got a message telling me that two of my cousins had their babies. One was 6 weeks early but was doing awesome. The other was an emergency C- Section. I learned that the cousin who had the C- Section was my cousin Cassie. She lives close to me here in Lethbridge and so I wanted to go see her.
Going to the hospital was a difficult thing. The last time I was there I had been giving birth to my son. The memories flew back and hit me like a brick. They hit me hard and fast. It was even more difficult going to the Maternity floor. There I had wondered in the hall holding my son wondering what I was going to do. Would I take him home? What would happen in the next two days? Would I be brave enough to go through with my choice? All the feelings got stirred up in me and it gave me the jitters.
As I turned the last corner and saw my cousin sitting there with her little girl in her bed, I couldnt help but forget my feelings and just feel happy for her. My cousin had been struggling for a couple years trying to have a baby. Her and her husband had started filling out adoption papers when they learned that they were pregnant. When I found out that she was pregnant I was filled with complete joy for her. She wanted to be a mother so badly. Also what made it even more surprising was that the couple I had picked to take my Baby Boy home, Mr. and Mrs. H, there were really good friends with my cousin. I had not known that when I picked them.
But here was my cousin. Sore and bruised from her C Section but happy and content to have her little girl here. I walked in and felt something that I never got to feel when I had been there. Joy! Utter and complete joy. I was a beautiful thing.
We talked about somethings. caught up on what was happening and then said goodbye as it was getting close to baby feeding time. As we left I couldnt help but feel that something was different. This time I left I knew Michael was mine. I was happy holding him. We were a family walking out that hospital. Just as we left the maternity ward and were walking to the elevators I looked up. My heart stopped. I was living my nightmare.
There in front of me was the adoptive parents. They had their backs turned but I knew Mrs. H had seen me. She was encouraging her husband, who was carrying their new baby, the other direction and into the waiting room of the Delivery Suites. My heart sank. I have been so affraid of running into them for so long that I couldnt think. There they were. The people that I had grown so much in love with, the people who wanted my son and were told we were giving him to them. It hurt. Old feelings rushed back. I wanted to run upto them and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell them everything. How sorry I was. I never meant to hurt them. I never knew that it would turn out that way. They were the most amazing couple to me. I wanted to see them happy.
For a couple days after I cried at the memories and how scared it made me to see them.
Going to the hospital was a difficult thing. The last time I was there I had been giving birth to my son. The memories flew back and hit me like a brick. They hit me hard and fast. It was even more difficult going to the Maternity floor. There I had wondered in the hall holding my son wondering what I was going to do. Would I take him home? What would happen in the next two days? Would I be brave enough to go through with my choice? All the feelings got stirred up in me and it gave me the jitters.
As I turned the last corner and saw my cousin sitting there with her little girl in her bed, I couldnt help but forget my feelings and just feel happy for her. My cousin had been struggling for a couple years trying to have a baby. Her and her husband had started filling out adoption papers when they learned that they were pregnant. When I found out that she was pregnant I was filled with complete joy for her. She wanted to be a mother so badly. Also what made it even more surprising was that the couple I had picked to take my Baby Boy home, Mr. and Mrs. H, there were really good friends with my cousin. I had not known that when I picked them.
But here was my cousin. Sore and bruised from her C Section but happy and content to have her little girl here. I walked in and felt something that I never got to feel when I had been there. Joy! Utter and complete joy. I was a beautiful thing.
We talked about somethings. caught up on what was happening and then said goodbye as it was getting close to baby feeding time. As we left I couldnt help but feel that something was different. This time I left I knew Michael was mine. I was happy holding him. We were a family walking out that hospital. Just as we left the maternity ward and were walking to the elevators I looked up. My heart stopped. I was living my nightmare.
There in front of me was the adoptive parents. They had their backs turned but I knew Mrs. H had seen me. She was encouraging her husband, who was carrying their new baby, the other direction and into the waiting room of the Delivery Suites. My heart sank. I have been so affraid of running into them for so long that I couldnt think. There they were. The people that I had grown so much in love with, the people who wanted my son and were told we were giving him to them. It hurt. Old feelings rushed back. I wanted to run upto them and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell them everything. How sorry I was. I never meant to hurt them. I never knew that it would turn out that way. They were the most amazing couple to me. I wanted to see them happy.
For a couple days after I cried at the memories and how scared it made me to see them.
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