Beautiful Mountains,

In Alberta we suffer the harsh weather all year. It may be summer but almost everybody carries a sweater with them just in case that wind starts up or maybe it starts to rain, or even crazier, snow!

 Summer is a time that I truly enjoy. Not only is my little family celebrated every month of summer, but we go camping in British Columbia every July. Camping is our favorite thing. We get away from the hustle and bustle, work, drama, and also electronics. We rely on fire and eachother. I love nature and the beauty it has. Being up in the Canadian Rockies is like a piece of heaven. I can see how God truly loved us. He gave us this most amazing place to live. I feel sorry for all the people in the world who say that miracles don't exist. If only they spent a few days in the mountains.

 
 In the bible, Moses went up into the Mountains to speak with the Lord. Noah went into the mountains as well. The bible says that God dwells in holy places, and for me the mountains truly are the most holy beautiful places on this earth. Temples are glorious, beautiful, peaceful and radiant. But the mountains are truly miraculous. They offer peace of mind, fear, humility, education, nature, birth, death, and so much more. Everything I value is with me when I go to the mountains. Just me, my family, nature, and God!

 

Time is moving on...and I am stuck still?

As time has passed I have been trying my hardest to overcome the hardest experience of my life. Now I must admit I was wallowing in my own guilt and pity for a long time. I played the victim and acted like it was everybody around me that was responsible for my pain. But in truth, my pain was all from me. I caused it. I continued it for months and I hurt many other people around me. People that I love and who I care about deeply. But now it is going to stop. Nobody can tell me what I am to do anymore. I will not allow myself to be that victim even if I was the one victimizing myself.

I have goals, I have a job that I love! I love who I work with and the cause that I work in favor of. I love my family. I love my boyfriend/ Husband (I call Frank my husband since we have been living together so long and have a son.)  I love Michael and how he inspires me to be what he deserves. I love his laugh, his smile, his baby talk and I even love his little baby snore.

At times it feels like everyone is moving on so fast in life and I am watching them all move on and be excited about the changes. I have felt like I am moving in s-l-o-w  m-o-t-i-o-n. But now I am starting to see my life in a new light. I have so much. I have Frankie who is the most hardworking generous guy I know. I have Michael who is so loving, so cute, and so much a part of me. They make my life worth living. They make my life brighter and happier every single day. They are my light, my life, and my song.

What if Cats Had Thumbs?

Reflections...How Time Changes Us.

So the time has come. On Monday morning I shall be back behind my desk at Canadian Blood Services. I find it hard to get my mind around the fact that 12 months have passed. This past year has been the most difficult, most amazing, heartfelt, troublesome, and tiring time of my life. I find it amazing to look back and see just how different my life truly has become. I used to be just Ashley. Now I am Ashley, mother to Michael. I have been living with Frank for almost a year. My son is going to be 11 months in a few short days. And I am completely happy. I love what my life is becoming. I love who I am becoming as well. I am finding joy in simpler things, like gardening. I love watching my son play and learn. He loves to sit on my lap as I read him my favorite stories from when I was a little girl. Last night I read The Berenstain Bears. I just love those books.
 But I am very excited to be heading back to work. I miss the ladies there. Karen, Charlotte, SHERIE, Jen, Sheena, Cindy, Belinda, Lindsey, ect. I miss the conversations. I miss the donors who come through regularly. I miss the gossip as well. I love being able to say that I work with the best women around. They are funny, smart, kind, generous, patient, and understanding. I love listening to their stories and what they find interesting. The vacations that they all take.

 I am going to miss those special moments that I will miss with Michael, but I have the rest of my life to have more special moments and to make memories with him. He needs to socialize. To learn to play with other kids. I do feel like I have been a failure in that aspect of his life. He has been so secluded and lonely with just me that when he is around children he stares like "what are they?"

I am so Thankful for Frank. He is a tremendous father and a great supporter. I love him and all he does for our family. He talks more about our future now. Marriage, another baby, buying a nice house with a large yard and a garage. We have been getting much closer and have been more tolerant of the others short comings. He has been a great supporter of my going back to work and has also been a great help to me when I am having bad days.

 The past month has been fabulous. I decided to go visit my doc about 5 weeks ago to be put on anti- depressants. I must say that I use to be paranoid, angry, frustrated, full of anxiety, and never happy. I never wanted anyone to be happy or to hear about the good things in life. I wanted everything to be miserable, I wanted everyone to be miserable with me. And I was starting to be very successful with it. But then as I looked at myself and what my life was becoming, I realized that my life was terrible because I was making it that way. And although I finally saw that, I still had no idea why I was thinking that way or how to make it stop. I used to have nights where my mind would race and race and I couldn't fall asleep. I would stress about tiny little things and cry over stupid little nothings. I thought the whole world hated me, that everyone was against me.  Then I visited my doctor. He made me try one drug for a week to see if the side affects bothered me and boy did they ever. I was neasous, I could hardly eat, and everynight I felt like puking. I lost weight which was nice but I would rather be fat then feel like that. Then he put me on ZOLOFT, and I must say, it is now my favorite thing ever. I have zero negative side affects. I have been feeling amazing. I never knew how miserable I truly was till I started feeling happy. And the happy just keeps getting better and better. I have only had 1 bad day in over a month. As opposed to 3 good days in a month and the rest were terrible. I am loving life.

 So for now I am keeping my chin up, and facing the road ahead with my son in my arms and Frankie by my side. I am ready for the life ahead. "Hit me with your best shot." So to the world I say, GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT BABY!

Deserving and Worthiness...for Happiness

 I got this from OPRAH's final episode. It is the truth. It is the light. It is inspiration.

"I learned from the guests on this show, no need to feel superior to anybody. Because whether it's heroin addiction or gambling addiction or shopping addiction or food addiction, work addiction, the root is all the same. The show has taught me there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things often don't feel worthy once they have them.

"There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness."

My Happiness Plan.

  As many women my age, I grew up with a mother who loved Oprah. So I learned many things by watching with my mother. She inspired me and I eventually started watching her on my own. Her last episode made me cry. She inspired me with her wisdom. I felt like she was talking to me.

  "We all believe we deserve to be happy. But not many of us think we are worthy of happiness. There is a difference. You ARE worthy of happiness. "

When she said those words I felt tingles down my spine. I felt like she was speaking to me. This past year has been incredibly difficult for me. Many ups and downs. Many nights of staying awake for all hours wondering "What if?"  I wondered onto Oprah's website the other night and found the article "Your Happiness Plan" 10 Ways to be Happier NOW!  I am going to challenge myself. I am going to apply all the things mentioned in this into my own life.

Step One begins today.

  5 Things Happy People Do.

1. They find their most Golden Self. 
2. They Design their lives to bring in Joy. 
3. They avoid "IF ONLY" fantasies. 
4. They put best friends first. 
5. They allow themselves to be Happy.  (You are worthy of Happiness.)