Birthday Boy!!

I know it has been a long time since I posted anything about life, Michael or me. Time seems to have flown away on me.

 Last month on July 15, Michael turned 1! To say that much has changed in a year is putting it lightly. Michael was the best thing to ever happen to me. He is my light, my life, and all that I live for. His smiling face makes everything seem brighter. I can't help but pray that he will forever be my little prince charming, but I know that will not be. He will grow up someday but for now he is my little Prince. He saved my life and he changed me into who I am.

    For his birthday we went to Henderson Swimming Pool with his Grandparents. I personally hate parties and it causes me to much stress to think about hosting one. We went swimming and then went to our house for food and cake! Michael was such a great sport and he had so much fun at the pool. He loves water.

Michael got a taste of KitKat bars at the pool. I think he liked it!

Munchin on some grub and wrapped in his housecoat after the swimming.

He got to play with his cousins, Landon and Naomi, since my mom was babysitting them that weekend. Michael goes to their house all the time when I am at work and his Aunt Heather takes care of him. He has made some playmates in the process.

   Michael has grown up so much and his sense of humor is awesome! He makes me laugh all the time and he is getting smarter by the day. When I ask him to do something, he does it. When  I am doing the laundry, he very politely unfolds everything for me so that I have to do it again. It has become an ongoing game of ours and he finds it the best game ever. He also loves to open the shower door while you are taking a shower and then will stand there and play in the water at your feet. Makes for a breezy hot shower and a fast one as well.

Family Vacation...Fort Steele British Columbia

Every year Frankie and I have gone on camping trips to BC. We have been to Kimberley and Fairmont. This year we wanted to go someplace different. We went to historical Fort Steele. It was so much fun. We have a tent trailer now and it makes camping with Michael an easy fun experience. He loved the trailer and was bouncing around, jumping and laughing at everyone and everything. We went swimming at the campgrounds pool and he loved that. We even went to Moyie Lake and played in the sand and the water. It was so much fun. Michael thought that the sand was really funny. He kept picking it up and letting it slip between his fingers onto his legs. It was adorable. He was following Frankie into the water as well. He thought it was fun. Sadly I forgot to take my camera to Moyie Lake with us so I have no pictures of all the fun we had there.

Some of the beautiful scenery from our camp.

Michael riding on an old pioneer rocking horse.

Frankie was teaching Michael how to throw a rock into the river. 

Michael chilling in the hammock we have for camping. 

Family photo OPP!!

Mommy and Michael in the garden of an old settler house.

Waiting for the Steam Train to arrive

I CAN HEAR THE TRAINS HORN!!

The place we stayed.

On the train.

Enjoying the train ride. 

Beautiful Mountains,

In Alberta we suffer the harsh weather all year. It may be summer but almost everybody carries a sweater with them just in case that wind starts up or maybe it starts to rain, or even crazier, snow!

 Summer is a time that I truly enjoy. Not only is my little family celebrated every month of summer, but we go camping in British Columbia every July. Camping is our favorite thing. We get away from the hustle and bustle, work, drama, and also electronics. We rely on fire and eachother. I love nature and the beauty it has. Being up in the Canadian Rockies is like a piece of heaven. I can see how God truly loved us. He gave us this most amazing place to live. I feel sorry for all the people in the world who say that miracles don't exist. If only they spent a few days in the mountains.

 
 In the bible, Moses went up into the Mountains to speak with the Lord. Noah went into the mountains as well. The bible says that God dwells in holy places, and for me the mountains truly are the most holy beautiful places on this earth. Temples are glorious, beautiful, peaceful and radiant. But the mountains are truly miraculous. They offer peace of mind, fear, humility, education, nature, birth, death, and so much more. Everything I value is with me when I go to the mountains. Just me, my family, nature, and God!

 

Time is moving on...and I am stuck still?

As time has passed I have been trying my hardest to overcome the hardest experience of my life. Now I must admit I was wallowing in my own guilt and pity for a long time. I played the victim and acted like it was everybody around me that was responsible for my pain. But in truth, my pain was all from me. I caused it. I continued it for months and I hurt many other people around me. People that I love and who I care about deeply. But now it is going to stop. Nobody can tell me what I am to do anymore. I will not allow myself to be that victim even if I was the one victimizing myself.

I have goals, I have a job that I love! I love who I work with and the cause that I work in favor of. I love my family. I love my boyfriend/ Husband (I call Frank my husband since we have been living together so long and have a son.)  I love Michael and how he inspires me to be what he deserves. I love his laugh, his smile, his baby talk and I even love his little baby snore.

At times it feels like everyone is moving on so fast in life and I am watching them all move on and be excited about the changes. I have felt like I am moving in s-l-o-w  m-o-t-i-o-n. But now I am starting to see my life in a new light. I have so much. I have Frankie who is the most hardworking generous guy I know. I have Michael who is so loving, so cute, and so much a part of me. They make my life worth living. They make my life brighter and happier every single day. They are my light, my life, and my song.

What if Cats Had Thumbs?

Reflections...How Time Changes Us.

So the time has come. On Monday morning I shall be back behind my desk at Canadian Blood Services. I find it hard to get my mind around the fact that 12 months have passed. This past year has been the most difficult, most amazing, heartfelt, troublesome, and tiring time of my life. I find it amazing to look back and see just how different my life truly has become. I used to be just Ashley. Now I am Ashley, mother to Michael. I have been living with Frank for almost a year. My son is going to be 11 months in a few short days. And I am completely happy. I love what my life is becoming. I love who I am becoming as well. I am finding joy in simpler things, like gardening. I love watching my son play and learn. He loves to sit on my lap as I read him my favorite stories from when I was a little girl. Last night I read The Berenstain Bears. I just love those books.
 But I am very excited to be heading back to work. I miss the ladies there. Karen, Charlotte, SHERIE, Jen, Sheena, Cindy, Belinda, Lindsey, ect. I miss the conversations. I miss the donors who come through regularly. I miss the gossip as well. I love being able to say that I work with the best women around. They are funny, smart, kind, generous, patient, and understanding. I love listening to their stories and what they find interesting. The vacations that they all take.

 I am going to miss those special moments that I will miss with Michael, but I have the rest of my life to have more special moments and to make memories with him. He needs to socialize. To learn to play with other kids. I do feel like I have been a failure in that aspect of his life. He has been so secluded and lonely with just me that when he is around children he stares like "what are they?"

I am so Thankful for Frank. He is a tremendous father and a great supporter. I love him and all he does for our family. He talks more about our future now. Marriage, another baby, buying a nice house with a large yard and a garage. We have been getting much closer and have been more tolerant of the others short comings. He has been a great supporter of my going back to work and has also been a great help to me when I am having bad days.

 The past month has been fabulous. I decided to go visit my doc about 5 weeks ago to be put on anti- depressants. I must say that I use to be paranoid, angry, frustrated, full of anxiety, and never happy. I never wanted anyone to be happy or to hear about the good things in life. I wanted everything to be miserable, I wanted everyone to be miserable with me. And I was starting to be very successful with it. But then as I looked at myself and what my life was becoming, I realized that my life was terrible because I was making it that way. And although I finally saw that, I still had no idea why I was thinking that way or how to make it stop. I used to have nights where my mind would race and race and I couldn't fall asleep. I would stress about tiny little things and cry over stupid little nothings. I thought the whole world hated me, that everyone was against me.  Then I visited my doctor. He made me try one drug for a week to see if the side affects bothered me and boy did they ever. I was neasous, I could hardly eat, and everynight I felt like puking. I lost weight which was nice but I would rather be fat then feel like that. Then he put me on ZOLOFT, and I must say, it is now my favorite thing ever. I have zero negative side affects. I have been feeling amazing. I never knew how miserable I truly was till I started feeling happy. And the happy just keeps getting better and better. I have only had 1 bad day in over a month. As opposed to 3 good days in a month and the rest were terrible. I am loving life.

 So for now I am keeping my chin up, and facing the road ahead with my son in my arms and Frankie by my side. I am ready for the life ahead. "Hit me with your best shot." So to the world I say, GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT BABY!

Deserving and Worthiness...for Happiness

 I got this from OPRAH's final episode. It is the truth. It is the light. It is inspiration.

"I learned from the guests on this show, no need to feel superior to anybody. Because whether it's heroin addiction or gambling addiction or shopping addiction or food addiction, work addiction, the root is all the same. The show has taught me there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things often don't feel worthy once they have them.

"There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness."

My Happiness Plan.

  As many women my age, I grew up with a mother who loved Oprah. So I learned many things by watching with my mother. She inspired me and I eventually started watching her on my own. Her last episode made me cry. She inspired me with her wisdom. I felt like she was talking to me.

  "We all believe we deserve to be happy. But not many of us think we are worthy of happiness. There is a difference. You ARE worthy of happiness. "

When she said those words I felt tingles down my spine. I felt like she was speaking to me. This past year has been incredibly difficult for me. Many ups and downs. Many nights of staying awake for all hours wondering "What if?"  I wondered onto Oprah's website the other night and found the article "Your Happiness Plan" 10 Ways to be Happier NOW!  I am going to challenge myself. I am going to apply all the things mentioned in this into my own life.

Step One begins today.

  5 Things Happy People Do.

1. They find their most Golden Self. 
2. They Design their lives to bring in Joy. 
3. They avoid "IF ONLY" fantasies. 
4. They put best friends first. 
5. They allow themselves to be Happy.  (You are worthy of Happiness.)

The Written Word is a Sacred and Powerful Thing.

When I was little my mother used to beg me to read. I would eventually pick up a book and start to read it but I never finished a book before getting rid of it. I thought that reading was boring and that it was for complete losers. It was for people who had zero imagination. That was until I was 13.
 When we moved to small town, nothing to do Magrath, Alberta. I didn't like the people, I didn't like the snobby non welcoming way the people ignored a new comer. I seriously hated the school and the teachers. I hated that the students were snobby and didn't like people that were different. It was like everyone had to fit into three different kinds of molds or else they were not welcome and were treated with disrespect. I used to wander the halls at lunch period and waste time. And it being such a small school with nothing to do, I found myself wandering into the library often. I would read the magazines in there or do word searches. Finally I thought to look at the books and read one.
 Now I can't remember the title of the book. But I remember the main character was named Gwen and she was a princess of a world that was beneath the fountain in Central Park. She escaped through the fountain and found herself in the normal human world. But she was also magical. She aged much slower. She met a man who also had escaped from the fountain and was now raising his great great great great grandchildren. They didn't know he was from another world, that he was magical and aged much slower then humans. Gwen explored the world, and learned many things, but also learned that when somebody discovered her secret they would go to great lengths to get control over her. So eventually she escaped back into her world, she left behind a friend and a boyfriend. She would often look back up through the fountain and see him looking down into it.
Now I was 13 when I read this and it peaked my interest. For the first time I had seen that reading gave me the opportunity to imagine things. To have dreams about something other then reality. Looking back the story line sounds retarted and weak but at the time, it gave me a different reality then the one I was living. I started reading all the time. I spent hours reading at home. I would read at lunch and during my free time at school. I read over 30 books in grade 8. It was opening my eyes to a new life. Over the next two years I discovered that I had particular taste in books. I liked reality and romance. Not the sexy steamy romance novels that are meant to create arousal but the story lines where someone would truly love someone. Like a mothers love for her daughter, a boyfriends genuine love for his girlfriend. A father daughter story. I also noticed that I loved reading particular writiers. Anita Stansfield, Nora Roberts, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Anne Bronte, James Clavell, Steinbeck, Jane Austen, John Grisham, Philippa Gregory, ect...
Now after all I have read, I have a new found love of books. The written word is not only a way for someone to escape into a fictional world, but it also gives a single person the ability to write their truth. They can tell their story. If it is about abuse, drugs, sex, work, school, parties, birthdays, being a parent, or just rambling on for the sake of it. The ability to express yourself to the world and connect with people on a personal level is strong and powerful. It gives those who feel invisible and like they have no purpose, a voice to say I AM HERE!
  So I treat all my books with respect and I make sure that they are organized and put away when I am not reading them. I love the written word and the ability it has to show me how much I have learned and how much I have grown.

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter. By study, by reading, by thinking, one may innocently divert and pleasantly entertain himself, as in all weathers, as in all fortunes.”
^{- Barrow}

“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”
^{- A C Grayling, Financial Times (in a review of A History of Reading by Alberto Manguel)}

“A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.”
^{- Edward P. Morgan}

To Oprah!

 This is for OPRAH! The woman who liberated women all over the world. Gave them a voice and proved that a woman is a very powerful thing to be. She encouraged children, women, and men who have endured abuse, to speak out and share their story. She has millions of dollars and she gives so much of it back to the people who need it most. She had a troubled childhood, a shaky beginning in her career and she showed that no matter what the odds, you can be somebody and you can do something that will impact those around you.
 From Dave Pelzer to Clayton Moss, she covered the most horrific cases of child abuse. She reunited families together after years of separation. She honored soldiers and their families. She educated girls who had no place to go and would in no other way have an education. She used her popularity and her money to put many pedophiles behind bars. She encouraged people to read and to give back to those around you.

Oprah's Big Give forever touched my heart and changed the lives of thousands of people.

I respect Oprah and what she has done for the world. She opened my eyes to many many things. She shared Dr. Oz with us. Who has taught me so much about health (mental and physical) and has encouraged me to take better care of myself. She gave us Dr. Phil who has great sayings such as "How's that workin for ya?" or "The way to predict future behavior is by past behavior." She has opened up her heart to the world and in many ways she has saved my life.
Oprah helped me with my parents divorce and when I was feeling alone. She taught me that no matter who it is, there is no right for someone to abuse another. She taught me that I need to dream. Dream big, dream small. Whatever it is I need to have a dream.

So this one is for Oprah. Thank you for saving the lives of so many and teaching the world so much.

Life as Mommy...with Postpartum Depression.

 When Michael was born I was so sure that I was not going to be one of those people that would get Postpartum Depression (PPD) but soon enough the symptoms were clear as day. I became so embarrassed about it that I tried to hide it. Finally when I went to visit my mother she sat me down and said that she knew something was wrong. I started to bawl immediately and she just put her arm on my shoulders and let me cry. She talked to me about how I felt. And to be honest, I didn't know how I felt. I didn't like myself, what I had done, why I had done it and I just wanted things to end and for me to disappear. When we spoke about this I felt like for the first time in a LONG time somebody knew what I was saying. Frankie and I were struggling with out relationship, the adoption choice, and being new parents. Adding depression on top of that was incredibly difficult. He didn't know how I felt and what to do. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body and I had a baby to take care of. As much as I love Michael, all I wanted was for him to sleep all day and not need me so much. I felt like I was unable to take care of myself so how on earth could I take care of a helpless baby?
 
 When Michael was 9 months old, I said to myself, I need to get some help. I had been trying to ignore this problem for so long and my mental health was sliding down the drain. How was I to go back to work, be a mother and not fall apart? I went to my doctor in Raymond, Dr. Terry Smith. He has been my doctor for years and he knows my mother had depression as well as other members of my family. He listened to me and immediately put me on something. It feels good to know that finally I am on the path to recovery.

 At first my bad days were only once in a while, then they were more frequent. Then all of a sudden they were lasting 2 -3 days at a time and I was so incredibly angry that I actually threw something at Frank. I physically wanted to hurt him to make him feel how I felt. To feel the frustration and the anger, but mostly the pain, that I was living with every single day. Now my days are better, my moments are no longer days. I have a few bad hours here and there but mostly all I feel is improvement.

Fun in the Sun.

 Well we finally got some nice heat here in Lethbridge. I have been looking at baby pools for about three weeks already and wanted to buy the perfect one for Michael. Something that he could grow in but that wasn't going to be to big for him right now. So today I went and bought him his first baby pool and we put it outside right away. Michael loves water and as soon as he was in the pool he was splashing his little heart away. Daddy of course got in with him making it that much better.

 He started splashing so hard that it would hit him in the face. He thought it was funny and kept doing it. Such a funny boy.

 He got right down on his belly and was splashing and trying to drink from a bottle that he plays with in water. He actually squeezes the bottle and sips from the top. He figured that out on his own.

 Got to love having a booger sucker in the water. Anything that squirts water is the best fun.

 Michael learned how to drink from a straw a couple days ago and thinks he is the cats meow now. He gets to slurp some of mommy or daddy's slurpee and drink from my water bottle so I bought him his own.

At the end he was all smiles for mommy, especially when Daddy is holding him. Such a big smile. I love this little man so much.

TO the Loves of my Life...Frankie and Michael.

I am blessed to have two very special men in my life. Frankie and Michael.
Frankie is a very hardworking, amazing father, and funny dorkishly cute man.

Kimberley BC July 5 2009

Kimberley BC- Mine Railway Train Ride July 3 2009

We go camping together and have a blast in BC every summer. We love the mountains, and the fresh air. I love the animals that you can hear wondering around at night. Frankie loves to cook over the fire and when we camp we eat better then we do at home.
The first camping trip we went on was to Kimberley BC. I went there when I was 8 and I had a blast. So I convinced Frankie to go there and we had so much fun. The weather was beautiful, and we stayed at a really fun and really nice camp ground. Kimberley Riverside Campground. We went to the townsite and walked around and I made Frank go on the Underground Railway train ride with me. They take you up to the old mine, and they give you a tour of it. It is deep inside the mountain.Frankie and I love movies, and we look forward to the warm sun that comes every summer so that we can escape to British Columbia. This year I want to go to Golden BC and to Radium Hot Springs.

Michael is a funny little boy with spunk. He is a flirt and is extremely shy. He loves his daddy and can already say Dadda and he says it ALL THE TIME! I am trying to teach him Momma but so far all I get is mmmm. He was born 6lbs 10oz and he has grown up so much.

Michael July 15 2010  6 hours old.

Michael February 2011. 

I found a song three years ago when Frankie and I met and ever since then it has been my theme song about him.Westlife's I Wanna Grow Old With You.

Another day
Without your smile
Another day just passes by
But now I know
How much it means
For you to stay
Right here with me

The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

A thousand miles between us now
It causes me to wonder how
Our love tonight remains so strong
It makes our risk right all along

The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

Things can come and go I know but
Baby I believe
Something's burning strong between us
Makes it clear to me

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

Escape to Freedom

 I love being a mommy. I love being Michael's mother more then anything. I have been so blessed in so many ways. Yet still I found myself sinking into a deep hole. Depression runs in my family and I have always battled it, but after Michael was born I started sinking at an incredible rate. Some days I would cry for no reason, others I was so angry at everything that happened or was said. Nothing could soothe my frustration or anxiety. I put on a face for others so that they wouldn't see it but inside I was screaming.
 I spoke to my mother about this, since she suffered with depression for 25 years. She is better now and has learned how to handle her life in a way that she doesn't cause stress or anxiety. It felt like she could read my inner thoughts and she knew exactly what I was feeling. I felt like I was an open book to her, but to everyone else they just saw a cover. She spoke to me about ways to handle it and ways to help prevent the high anxiety that I was always feeling. Turns out I am my own worst enemy.
  I went to my doctor, after 9 months of avoiding him. I said I needed Happy Pills. He has known me since I was 12 and he is the doctor for 7 of my family members. He put me on a medication trial for 7 days. And so far I am hating this drug. It makes me very sickly feeling. Not enjoying it at all. So for the next few months I am guessing, I will be testing out different anti- depressants to see how they affect me and make me feel.

Birth Mothers Appreciation

  I am super duper excited about Birth Mothers Appreciation. Me and two others have started working on putting together a group for girls who need support. It is not just for those who are placing for adoption, but for those who had a surprise pregnancy. Whether you keep your little one, or you place them for adoption, this is the place to read about others who have the same feelings and experiences that they had.


birthmothersappreciation.blogspot.com    

HAPPY BIRTHMOTHERS DAY!!!!

Marie Osmond does the best job showing the emotion that this subject deserves.

Mothers Day

As my first official Mothers Day is creeping closer, I can't help but look back on all that has happened. A year ago I sat in the bathroom, with the door locked, crying my eyes out. This year I laugh with my son as he plays in the house and says DADDA and glagaala sounds.

To all the mothers in the world, including Birth Mothers. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Mothers Day always makes me think of one thing. "From Gods Arms, To My Arms, To Yours" Michael McLean wrote music about all sides of adoption. And since last year I was considering placing my baby for adoption it seems only right to reflect and remember.

Let your light so shine...

When I was 16 I was very active in my church. I went to the LDS church in Southern Alberta. My mom was the Laurels leader, which was my class in Young Womens. Every week, with every lesson she wanted to give us something inspiring to take home and help us remember the point to the lesson. Now at the time we both were in love with the movie "Coach Carter." The inspiration to be the best that you can was very touching to us both. The next lesson that we were scheduled to have was called "Letting your light shine..."

In the movie, near the end when Coach Carter comes to clean out his office after the school said that basketball was more important then good grades, there is a part that makes me cry. Timo Cruz was a troubled player. He lived a harsh life and everyday Coach Carter asked him "What are you afraid of boy?" The entire movie he pushes Coach Carter away and finally at the end, he knows what he is afraid of.

He quotes someone very special. Someone who suffered for years in prison. Nelson Mandela.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


This quote truly has touched my life, and it meant a great deal when my mother
handed the quote out in class. Reminding all the 16 and 17 year olds to not be afraid of who we truly are. Let your true self shine and no matter what others say, it will be the best thing. We need not fear others and what they say, for if we stand up for what we believe and think and who we are, then there would be no problem that we couldn't handle.

As a woman in 2011, it is truly hard to be true to yourself with all the pressure that there is. Makeup, working out, education, motherhood, friends, social activities, cooking... Everyday you are told that a real woman is this or that. How many of these woman are truly happy in their lives?

I encourage everyone, and especially all the young woman, to be true to the real you. Stand up for who you are. Don't let someone walk over your beliefs and tell you what to do. If you don't want to do something then don't. It is as simple as that. Just say NO!

Remember that out there is someone who will always appreciate the real you. They won't hate you for your mistakes, they will love you in spite of them.

ROYAL WEDDING WEEK!!!

I can't help but feel excited about Prince William and Kate Middleton getting married this week. I have set the PVR and am counting down to the wedding of the decade. I have watched the wedding of Charles to Diana Spencer many times and I can't help but hope that the royal family has learned some things since Diana.

We all have seen pictures of the famous Royal Wedding of Charles Prince of Wales to Lady Diana Spencer. Her dress with its incredibly long train and her glittering family Spencer tiara. Her youth is very clear as she was not yet the style icon she later on became.

I hope that the press and the country doesn't continue to link the similarities of Kate to Diana. They are so different from each other. Of course if you look at the pictures you can see some clothing items are very similar but the personalities of the two women are so different. Diana seemed to be drowning when she married Charles. She was not prepared for the life she would have to lead and she was not the typical woman that royalty wanted. She wasn't going to sit aside and let tradition dictate to her what she was allowed to do. She was open about her feelings and that she was going to do what she wanted to do. She broke years of tradition and fought for what she believed things should be. She had been raised in the Aristocratic world and in my opinion, was not a fan of tradition. She was screaming for a modern life, where she was allowed to do what she wanted, raise her children how she saw fit. She wanted a husband who loved her and wanted to give her all the happiness she deserved. Yet what she got was a man who only married her to get married and satisfy his family.

I cant even help but notice that the love William and Kate have is real. It is passionate and simple. Kate knows that she will have a big role and she is preparing to do so. She has never shown immaturity like Diana did at times. But then again she does have 10 years more experience then Diana did.

I wish them all the luck in the world.

FIREWORK...!!!!

I truly feel that this song is about everyone. We all have something to offer and we all need to let it shine. This year I make this song my theme.


Firework lyrics
Songwriters: Dean, Esther; Eriksen, Mikkel; Hermansen, Tor Erik; Perry, Katy; Wilhelm, Sandy Julien;

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/katy-perry-lyrics/firework-lyrics.html ]
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Birth Mothers Appreciation

As I was part of a birth mothers class, I know just how important the relationships that you make with those other girls truly are. It gives you the reassurance that you are not the only one who makes mistakes and that you are not in this alone. My pregnancy was incredibly difficult and if it wasn't for my mother, Frankie, and the class, I believe I would have really lost it.

I ran across a blog called Birth Mother Baskets the other day and it truly touched me. The appreciation and care that they are showing these girls is so deep and sincere. I wish it was available in Canada.

So since I was once in the BM shoes, I know just how hard it is. The emotional stress that you go through. Even though we kept Michael in the end, the stress of that choice was just as difficult. I had to hurt people who were so excited, their entire family was waiting for our son, yet we couldn't let him go. My family was very upset about it as well as they all felt like the adoptive family had lost a child.

I came up with an idea. An idea that I find perfect since it will not only be for the girls who place their children, but will be there for all the girls no matter what they do, except abortion. I contacted the other girls from my class, Dallas and Megan, and they have both agreed to help me out and they both seemed super excited. My family is going to be joining as well, as part of my family charity project. Project: Angels Keep.

What we will be doing it putting together things that will help with the adjustment process. We are gathering personal testimonials from girls who have placed for adoption, chosen single parenting, or they are raising the baby with the father. We will collect quotes, songs, books, journals, products for pampering, gift certificates, and for the mothers that are keeping we will give them gift certificates for places like Wal- Mart and Superstore and baby clothing stores to help with the cost of raising and feeding a child. Every basket will be filled with love and with things from people who have experienced these things before. We might even go in and talk to the girls and share our stories with them.

The project is called Birth Mothers Appreciation. Since every girl in the class will be giving birth, I consider them all Birth Mothers. No matter what, even if they keep or place for adoption.

If you wish to share your story, or you have quotes or songs that will be appropriate please contact the group at

BirthMotherAppreciation@groups.facebook.com

ONE COUPLE, ONE ANGEL, ONE HEART

A couple is sealed at the alter, for time and eternity
With a love that will not falter.

A couple begins their journey through life,
To start a family becomes their great strife.

A child is conceived within the womb,
A child passes on only to soon.

A couple continues to shed tear after tear, for conceiving,
Another child takes year after year.

A couple then journeys down another path,
Perhaps not flesh nor of bone but
In the end, still their own.

An angel appears from out of the blue,
With something precious and dear
That nobody knew.

A couple meets the angel feeling extremely grateful,
For an angel’s prayers are answered because
She was faithful.

One heart binds them both after meeting a short while,
A couple, an angel, a love for one child.

From God’s arms, to yours, to mine it will be.
An angel is blessed for God’s eyes will see.

One couple, one angel joined at the heart,
A child doubly loved and blessed from the start.

An angel who set forth the last puzzle piece,
For a couple, a child, a love that will never cease.





To learn more about Birth Mother Baskets please copy and paste the link.

http://birthmotherbaskets.blogspot.com/

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
You were placed in my arms,
And I couldn’t help but cry.
You were so precious so beautiful.
I stared at you with pride.
Your hands so tiny,
Your eyes so bright.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And I knew it would be hard
To say goodbye.
I cried for you at night.
How could I let my
Little butterfly go?
Then I thought of the new world
You will see.
Of the loving parents that will
Take care of thee.
And I felt peace.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And no matter how hard it is,
I must say goodbye.
So, open your wings
And don’t be afraid to fly.
Fly away to a new life.
Where opportunities are
At every door.
And my love around every corner.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
But, quickly you left
To live your new life.
You’ll always be in my heart.
Your memory in my every thought.
Those tiny hands,
And bright eyes.
I will forever love you,
My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000



http://birthmotherbaskets.blogspot.com/

Viva Obama By Bert Lorenzo

Obama beat McCain handsomely

so those who criticize my president should let him be

and show more respect for democracy.

The people voted for change

and change they should see

but it takes time to make new policy.


June 2009 he improved the economy.

Now everywhere I go I see people spending money.

He reduced unemployment.

Now concert halls, movie houses and sport stadia

sell-out for people’s enjoyment.

Things are fine

but people continue to whine.


They say he’s a Muslim

who secretly practices Islam.

And that he cares more for the lower classes

because he wants to raise the rich’s taxes.

And that he goes too far

when he supports building a mosque near that 9/11 scar.


I say he hasn’t gone far enough.

Obamacare should give us more stuff.

Rumor has it many doctors want to retire or quit.

They say Obama’s healthcare plan’s unfit.

But he should do everything he promised during his campaign

or those who voted for him

did so in vain.


Some who voted for him now feel remorse.

They fear things will get worse.

They elected the Messiah

but now turn their backs on a pariah.

They’ve abandoned hope so easily.

It says more about them

than about my president’s ability.


Constant criticism might make my president weary.

It can be such a bore.

But the critics should remember

in a democracy people should get what they ask for.


So viva Obama!

I still have hope he won’t abandon the fight

and make all that’s wrong in America right.


Copyright Bert Lorenzo, 2010

Michael

"Sisters"...from heartache to happiness

A few days ago I got news about my dear sister and the sad situation that she finds herself in. It wasnt more then a year ago that I felt the pain and fear that she today is feeling. The relationships that I came to have and the love for two special women I met because of it.

  I will not share my sisters story as it is still pretty new and I do not have her permission to share.

 In February of 2010 I was introduced to two of the most influential, spiritual, amazing, brave, and compassionate women of my life. Dallas and Megan. The situation that brought us all together was not the prettiest and yet we found comfort in sharing our stories with eachother and knowing that all three of us could share something so precious, scary, tragic, and huge, together.

Dallas was so pretty. So young. She had so much ahead of her. I may be a few years older then her but in wisdom and bravery she is by far my elder. I remember thinking how she always made me feel so dumb. Not that she was trying. But a girl of 17 maybe 18 could sit in front of me and tell me her story of placing her son in the arms of his new mommy and barely have a break in her voice. She handled her adoption so well that I always did and still do find her to be a huge affect on my life. She is amazing. I remember when we told our stories to eachother. I was so shocked to find that regardless of the religious community we all  live in and the way people gossip, she was still going to her regular high school and even attended her Graduation. Her braveness was so astonishing to me that I stood in awe of her. She carried this heavy burden and all the mistakes she had made in public and was not afraid of what others thought.

 The day she came in after her son had been placed I was a mess. I was so afraid of the feelings it would bring up in me. I thought that she would be a mess as well. Yet when she walked into the room, she looked more like a woman, a mature woman with some wisdom and knowledge that I still had yet to learn. She approached the story with bravery and beauty. I felt a love for her that I had never felt for someone who wasn't my sister. She was so compassionate to my situation and her boyfriend offered to talk to Frankie about how the adoption was for him. I don't think I ever thanked her or him for the offer but I want to let her know how much that meant to me. Now today she is still an inspiration to me. She has moved on with her life but has not forgotten the past. I only hope that I can show this much courage and faith as a mother.

Megan was not much younger then me. Her story was one of courage. She had a situation that I had never dreamed of being in. I felt so much sadness when she told the story and yet so much amazement at how she was preparing to be a single mother. I appreciated all the things she would ask about in our class. She was so mature; so strong. I felt retarded next to her faith and willingness to work hard the rest of her life.

 I left the class before her since Michael was born before her son, but not that long ago we had a play date. I was so happy to see how great she looked and how cute and funny her little Haven is. She updated me on what was going on and I have to say, again she amazed me at how great she is and at how far she is willing to go to do what is best for Haven and herself.

 In my heart I will always love these two women and what they taught me. We may have met at the worst of times in our own lives but I will continue to love them as my sisters. I am looking forward to seeing the great futures they both have and the growth that will come from it.

 So to Megan and  Dallas. This is for you! Thank you both for being such inspiring and loving women. I am a better person today for having met you. I consider you both my sisters, since you both taught me so much about life and love.

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
-- Author Unknown

Dallas Sloan
Megan Jolynn

Updates...

I can't believe how long it has been since I last blogged. I know I dont have many readers if any, but to those who have read this, Thank - You! 

   Well since I last wrote lots of things have changed. Michael is growing so fast and has become even cuter...if thats even possible. He started crawling...commando style. And he is picking up speed. I am amazed. Soon he will be running from one of the house to the other. Although that isnt lots of running room but it is going to be soon. I just had to go through all his clothes again and get rid of all his small clothes and get the next size out of the closet. He is only 8 months almost 9 months and already wearing 12 month clothes and size 4 - 5 shoes.

 My sister is having a baby and I am letting her use all Michaels clothes. I took her the box of New born to 6 month not long ago and I almost cried. I opened the box and there were his teeny tiny premie size clothes. They looked more like a dolls outfit then a human baby. I did shed a few tears as memories rushed in my mind. Feelings that I had been feeling when I first put him in his clothes. How thankful I was that he was in good health. His baby shoes fit in my palm. I just cant believe how preciously tiny he was. I look at him now and I wonder where all the time has gone.

Frankie and I moved into our new place and we love it! It is ours. Something we both moved into together. There has been some tension between us with all the duties of owning your own home. More expenses and such. But we set a goal from the start that no matter what we would not go to sleep and ignore a fight that we had just had. And so far we have only had 1 big fight that we never apologized for. We always hug and apologize. And for that I am so thankful. 

Joy and Pain Pt 2.

After I went home I was in shock. I was numb and was scared to feel what I knew I felt. I waited till Michael and Frank were asleep and then called my mom. She had gone to the hospital to see Cassie and had met Mr. and Mrs. H while she was there. She talked to them and told them how sorry she was for everything that happened. She told me that they all cried together but that they were not mad with me. They still had feelings of sadness and hurt but now they had their precious baby boy in their lives. I cried hearing this and I pray everynight that they are happy.

My mom told me that they are very happy. Since Mrs. H  is good friends with my cousin Cassie, they were talking about stroller dates and such. If they had adopted Michael he would be almost 7 months older then Cassies little girl. But now their son is only 2 months older and they can share in many of the same things together. My mom said it was adorable watching them talk and plan things.

It has truly done my heart a great deal of good to face these feelings and I can only hope that someday in the future, I can walk up to Mrs. H and give her a hug and talk about what happened and how sorry I am. I feel that in order to fully get past this I need to face them.

Joy and Pain.

This past week was full of surprises for me. I got a message telling me that two of my cousins had their babies. One was 6 weeks early but was doing awesome. The other was an emergency C- Section. I learned that the cousin who had the C- Section was my cousin Cassie. She lives close to me here in Lethbridge and so I wanted to go see her.
  Going to the hospital was a difficult thing. The last time I was there I had been giving birth to my son. The memories flew back and hit me like a brick. They hit me hard and fast. It was even more difficult going to the Maternity floor. There I had wondered in the hall holding my son wondering what I was going to do. Would I take him home? What would happen in the next two days?  Would I be brave enough to go through with my choice? All the feelings got stirred up in me and it gave me the jitters.
  As I turned the last corner and saw my cousin sitting there with her little girl in her bed, I couldnt help but forget my feelings and just feel happy for her. My cousin had been struggling for a couple years trying to have a baby. Her and her husband had started filling out adoption papers when they learned that they were pregnant. When I found out that she was pregnant I was filled with complete joy for her. She wanted to be a mother so badly.  Also what made it even more surprising was that the couple I had picked to take my Baby Boy home, Mr. and Mrs. H,  there were really good friends with my cousin. I had not known that when I picked them.
 But here was my cousin. Sore and bruised from her C Section but happy and content to have her little girl here. I walked in and felt something that I never got to feel when I had been there. Joy! Utter and complete joy. I was a beautiful thing.
 We talked about somethings. caught up on what was happening and then said goodbye as it was getting close to baby feeding time. As we left I couldnt help but feel that something was different. This time I left I knew Michael was mine. I was happy holding him. We were a family walking out that hospital. Just as we left the maternity ward and were walking to the elevators I looked up. My heart stopped. I was living my nightmare.
There in front of me was the adoptive parents. They had their backs turned but I knew Mrs. H had seen me. She was encouraging her husband, who was carrying their new baby, the other direction and into the waiting room of the Delivery Suites. My heart sank. I have been so affraid of running into them for so long that I couldnt think. There they were. The people that I had grown so much in love with, the people who wanted my son and were told we were giving him to them. It hurt. Old feelings rushed back. I wanted to run upto them and giver her a hug. I wanted to tell them everything. How sorry I was. I never meant to hurt them. I never knew that it would turn out that way. They were the most amazing couple to me. I wanted to see them happy.
 For a couple days after I cried at the memories and how scared it made me to see them.

Reflection

Today I finally convinced my boyfriend  to watch a funny comedy about Pregnancy. But not a normal pregnancy movie. It is from the father-to-be perspective. It is called Nine Months. Hugh Grant and Juilianne Moore are awesome and the supporting roles put the cherry on top.
 I have watched this movie for years and till now I didnt understand the humor in it. When the scene of giving birth arrives, I couldnt help but think about my experience and how deep it has affected me.

  The moment a woman gives birth to her child, it is supposed to be a happy moment. The pain is gone and the beauty of the moment is so overwhelming. That is not the case for me. When Michael was stil in me, I felt like I was okay. But I always dreaded the day when I would give birth. I was supposed to let him go. To say goodbye...forever. I would not get to rock him to sleep, to hold him when he cried, to hold his little hands. I would miss out on everything that his life would bring. I was so affraid. I kept telling myself that I was going to go through with it. I didnt believe it though. Every opportunity I had I would try to convince myself that I would do it. I couldnt get it through my head. My heart still hasn't stopped bleeding from the pain I felt from those 6 long months.
 When I was in labour,I was so affraid. I wasn't affraid of the pain. I was affraid of the letting go. I remember one moment. I was having a hard contraction and my morphine had worn off. I started to panic. I looked over to my mom and she held my hand thinking that the contraction was my worry. It wasnt. I knew that in moments Iwould begin to push and then my son, my precious baby boy, would be gone. I was so scared. When he was born I didnt feel relief. I felt sadness. The deepest sadness I had known.

 I feel so sad that the joy I should have felt at that moment, was not there. I wish I could go back and relive it. Make myself love his birth. The moment I became mommy. I have heard my mother say she feels like she was robbed of a moment and my sister said she feels like she lost the opportunity to share in the joy of my pregnancy. No one has ever asked how I felt, how much it hurts to know that my pregnancy was not a joyful thing. I cant tell my son how happy I felt when he was born. I still feel the sadness and the pain. But I love my son and I wouldnt change him for anything. I only wish that I could have felt joy in his entrance to the world instead of fear and dread.

 

New Beginnings

 In order to progress we need to remember the past and reflect upon it, not forget it. In my life there have been many new beginnings, but I can't help but feel that this year it is a bigger and better change. It is more terrifying but at the same time I feel more like I am home.

 I feel that I never had a complete family. My dad left when I was 8 but I don't have many memories of him being there before anyway. My mom was forced into the work force outside of the home due to the fact that she had 3 kids and a home to pay for on her own. She wo rked 6 jobs. And no I am not making that up. She and I counted them all and at one time she had 6 jobs. She worked so hard and I remember spending countless hours with her at a couple of them.

 My sister was left to take care of the house and do lots of motherly things for me and my brother. She dated a guy who was a complete jerk to me and my brother. Then she dated Randy. Now Randy was different to Chanelle and he was so kind to me and Paul. How many boyfriends take their girlfriends little siblings with them to the lake? Out to dinner? Rent movies and bring them to the house for us all to watch together? Not many. I specifically remember one time when Randy brought his truck with some little GTsleds in the back and took us out to Lake Newell in winter. He tied the sleds to the back of his truck and then we would climb on them and he would pull us around the parking lot and camp ground area. It was so much fun. It truly took my mind off my parents divorce and my mom being gone so much. He also taught me how to go ice fishing.

 My brother had lots of mixed feelings and lots of anger. I know that now but at the time I didnt understand. I was 4 years younger then Paul and 5 years younger then Chanelle. I was lonely and wanted to be like them. I wanted Chanelle to be my friend since she was my sister.  I always wanted to be Chanelle. I admired Paul and thought he was "super cool."

 But no matter what happened I always felt sad that I never had that ideal family. My dad was gone and I barely knew him. My mom was always working and my brother and sister were teenagers with their own lives. I was 8 years old and was being left behind.

 I had always wanted my own family. I wanted to be able to wake up everyday and see the faces of the ones I love. Now that I have that it seems to good to be true. I see Frankie and Michael everyday and I can imagine a future. Although in the back of my head I feel this little pain that it could end anyday and that it might just all be a dream.

 My  goal for the new year is to be greatful of the things that I do have and not fear what I dont have and what could go wrong.

Good things.

It is hard to believe that 6 months has gone by since Michael was born. He is so precious and already has a sense of humor. He thinks the brittish TV show PINGU is funny. He is very ticklish and makes me smile. Michael is growing fast and he is healthy as a horse. He is far to spoiled. We just love him so much.


 Good news keeps coming our way. Frankie bought a condo on the westside and we just got word that Feb 23 it will be finished and Feb 28 we move in. I cant wait. We will have granite counters, front loading washer and dryer, a fire place, stainless steel appliances. 3 bedrooms, and it is all ours. I am so excited. I can hardly wait to move. I wish we could move tomorrow.

Journey to Motherhood.

Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?"  The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else.
 
 My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so affraid of what would happen after.

 You see when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things.  But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself.  I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge. 

  Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it.  Then that is when the bigger problems started.

 I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it.

 I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family.

You see my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start.

We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people where going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was to selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest thing, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family.

 We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy.

 As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him becuase she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only  lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved.

 I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life.

My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm  I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long.

 I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home.

  For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption.

 I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday.

 I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future.